Autism; Struggle and Hope
Today, (August 30th, 2022 ) is exactly 3 years since I received a diagnosis of Autism, at the age of 27, that would immeasurably change my world .
It would inform and reframe how I think, feel, and interact in and understand the world. It was not a missing puzzle piece to fill an empty space though, but rather it was a lens to give a vibrant new perspective through which I would learn to see the world.
The photographer in me, who took a photo of an emerging sunrise, had no idea how much of a metaphor this photo was for the years to come. I would come to learn that beyond all the struggle that hope is a powerful, life altering thing.
Having answers to questions swirling around for years prior wasn’t and isn’t always an entirely positive reality to face
(*CW suicide attempt)
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In fact, within weeks I would attempt to end my life; and very nearly succeed. It took pain & determination to build resilience and realise that I was not broken, just one of many who think and experience the world in a divergent way. The Autistic diagnosis would change my life in an undeniable way, but first it would nearly destroy it.
The eye opening years since have been a crash course in confronting hard realities including ableism, discrimination, assumptions and barriers that in an ideal world wouldn’t exist. One thing I’ve most struggled with is being honest about the extent of just how hard being a person with disabilities in life, relationships and work, really is sometimes! I will work on being more open about that moving forward.
However, along the way I’ve also learned to embrace my strong sense of social justice and sometimes brutal honesty (both very distinct autistic qualities no less) in meaningful ways.
I’d discover I had it in me, sometimes loudly and other times at little more than a whisper amongst the cacophony of voices and struggles that felt overwhelming, to find a way to advocate for myself and others, so that perhaps one day Autistic people of all ages can live in a kinder & more understanding world.
Being diagnosed as Autistic & neurodivergent would give me a WHY that none of my other disabilities, mental health struggles or health issues ever would. It would lead to paradigm shifts I never imagined, relationships with new depth and meaning, and opportunities I will cherish forever.
Most importantly it gave, and continues to bring with it a distinct feeling of HOPE... I didn’t know the meaning of that word for a very long time!
Will the hard parts of living with disabilities disappear in my lifetime? Maybe not!?
But I am convinced that surrounded by fantastic people near and far- fellow neurodivergent people and allies throughout the disability and broader community that hope for a better tomorrow is realistic.
And, personally I am reassured that hoping the scars, and painful parts will continue to fade and that something brighter will emerge is not hoping in vain after all!
