Struggle does not = Failure

Defeated. I feel defeated. I’ve been subconsciously looking for the word to describe it all afternoon really. I have a job I love. With managers and coworkers that respect me and teach me every day with patience and compassion. But unfortunately my body is not so compassionate sometimes. My overstimulated, poorly self- regulating body and mind just will not cooperate until I have to leave work- tasks unfinished- feeling utterly defeated.

Wanting so hard for my body and brain to not be overwhelmed at times. To not be affected by the smallest change in temperature, rest, noise or pain. I am fortunate to have a workplace where people never once have questioned my need to say ”I just can’t today” and yet I still feel defeated 😔

So why am I sharing? Because sometimes lately I’ve felt like I focus so much on defining myself by my successes that both myself and others forget that parts of my life - and especially my disabilities, no matter how ’proudly’ I wear them are just that- a disabling experience.

I talk about holding that tension of hard and proud but I don’t often enough talk about the hard in such a way that I feel like it normalises for others… and perhaps most of all normalises for ME that the hard is not equivalent to failure. There should be no correlation between the words failure and struggle.

Succeeding at life is not the highlight reel & inspirational quotes we see so often on social media alone- it’s that point of tension of proud vs hard. I find the pride part easy, the hard is… well the word speaks for itself. It doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it… but that doesn’t make it easier to live with either!

(July 2022- Disability.Pride Month)