The ‘Art’ of Not Working too Hard….

I drew a giraffe. I didn’t ‘just draw a giraffe though…

BUT it took more than just remembering how to draw! In order to sit down and draw I had to face some realities of ADHD, My anxieties, Autism and my bad mental habits and behaviours.

I spent my Saturday doing social things. Then came home tonight and my Autism and Anxiety left me sitting feeling like I’d done a bad job of socialising “did I think enough about other people or did I let my social anxiety get in the way!” “what if I talked too much and was rude and they were just being polite?”. So many questions but I wanted was reassurance for myself that I met expectations. AND for extra emphasis my ADHD brain was antsy… “what’s the next big thing to DO?! … and I hate to admit it but at 8pm my first inclination was “maybe I should go do something to do with WORK?!”.

Ever since I started working again and especially since I started my new job I have felt this overwhelming desire to Succeed…with a capitalised ’S’. And to an extent I have succeeded because of being in my element, great co-workers, great opportunities and work I really enjoy.

But I’ve been getting migraines... 9 or 10 a fortnight. Bad ones. And they are probably related to a another ‘S’ with a capital… Stress.

Something people rarely express about re-entering the workforce again after many years off or about having multiple successful life experiences in a short timeframe is you can feel an enormous amount of pressure to succeed upwards INDEFINITELY.

Last night I was anxious. I needed to take follow lessons from supervisors past and present to “put work in a box and set it aside” and also that “health and life is more important than my work”.

Fear of failure after 8 years of constantly falling down can be a tough battle to beat. And (my false) impressions of what other people expect or think of me are my own worst enemies. So, for once, I stopped myself from working… and thought about what I wanted to do with my Saturday night…

And realised that I really missed drawing. First thought- animals. Giraffe? So I sketched. I sat for 2 hours and focused myself on something that I wasn’t doing to please someone else.

I’ve never drawn one freehand before so I’m happy with this first effort. Work will still be there on Monday... minus the stress. And, as much as I love my work my editor was right this week when he pointed out that I was teetering close to burnout…

So I’m grateful for jobs past and present that I LOVE doing with amazing colleagues, my health being good enough that I can work after 8 years… and the fact that I now have a cool girafffe picture to add to my portfolio. And I didn’t have a migraine yesterday either.

Tl;dr stress is bad, perfectionism is toxic. It’s okay to rest... even when you have a dream job. You’re enough when your mind lies and says that others feel differently. If you are similarly stressed I hope you find something to do this weekend that is relaxing!