Dear 20 year old Jess…
Dear 20 year old Jess,
10 years ago today you stood in this classroom that would become your second home, filled with hope and in the country where you will “grow up” more than you know. This will be a defining semester for you.
Looking back now I both wish you knew and I am thankful you didn’t know, what life had in store for the years to come.
If you knew in this photo what you would come to experience in the decade ahead you might not be smiling so bright. Enjoy Vietnam in all your naivety and hope because you will need the tenacity it gives you for the years that come ahead.
You’ll pick up your camera soon and it will become your escape from the world. My gosh hold it tight because it will keep you safe. By 22 you’ll find yourself hiding behind that lens, through which you seek out the beautiful moments and you’ll only hold tighter as the world gets harsher and reality a lot less less kind. It will seem impenetrably dark at times but there you’ll learn to find some beauty even in the pain and fear and grief. I’m so afraid to say it even nowadays but by 24 life will literally bring you to your knees. You’ll be clutching around in the dark for hope and the pen will become your sword- use it wisely while you can because it breaks my heart to say it but reality won’t always be so clear. By 26 the psychosis will have arrived and the hope will be faint. By 27 life will be only tenuously within your grip and at one point you’ll almost lose hope completely as life becomes too painful to keep on living and you will try and give up completely.
This sounds dreadful, terrible and ever so bleak but I promise even the bleakest days have an end. You’ll hit rock bottom and for you that’s what it will take to realise that you have value and as you’ve been searching for a world of beauty you will will see you need to look at yourself- not just externally.
By 28 the world will seem a little less grim but the scars will still remain. They’ll always be there but you’ll learn to celebrate them with a little more time.
At 29, just enjoy this year…it will be a whirlwind but your life will change and you will bloom in so many magical ways.
And then there’s 30. You made it through a whole decade and you should be so proud. But not for what you achieved or the things that you have done but the lessons you have learned and the person you’ve become.
You’ll use that pen and the lens in ways you never imagined. You’ll capture stunning landscapes and moments, but you’ll begin to realise that beautiful is a state of mind and being, not something we have to search for elsewhere. You’ll hit more rough patches but there will be a spark of determination that will carry you through that you’ve spent a decade cultivating. This will help you even now as you learn that success and heartache will be something of an intertwined reality for a while longer yet.
But my younger self… know that you were right about one thing even then- it will be an incredible adventure.
I wish I could tell you simply that you will be so incredibly blessed, so enriched by others, so lifted up in times of struggle and all these things are true- I promise.
But, I wish just as much I could say that you will have a easy decade. In reality life will nearly destroy you- it will take everything you have and put you through the wringer.
But you will learn and you will gain compassion, honesty and integrity. You will learn the value of vulnerability and you will learn that you have so much left to learn in life. You’ll also realise that you still have many mistakes left to make- and that’s okay too.
20 year old Jess, l wish I could tell you then and every day between this day captured a decade ago and today that you are plenty tenacious and you are stronger than you will understand for many years to come (yet)… but that most of all you are not broken, less than or insignificant. You are, (and always were), good enough, valuable and so very, very worthy and loved.
Sincerely
30 year old Jess.
