Passing For “Normal”…
This post was first written and published as a Facebook post in early December. It was the week of “International Day of People with Disability” (IDPWD) and I was finding myself frustrated by the “personal politics’ of disability in the social spaces I personally as an Autistic and Neurodivergent person inhabit and so I set out to correct the record with few intentions of mincing my words. I never expected the response that I received. I wrote and published the ‘essay’ at 1am; by 8.30am I had over a dozen comments on my personal profile relating to this post. Clearly, I struck a nerve. It started public and private conversations that have continued to this day and have only enhanced and enriched my understanding of the complexities of Autistic spaces .
Since that day I have found myself rereading this piece more than once, examining its controversies and nuances. I think about the personal and collective traumas experienced by myself and the autistic community more broadly. I have a feeling that I will return to to these topics more than once in the weeks and months to come.
I have at times here edited for brevity and/or clarity. I will lead with the same approximate disclaimer I lead with that early December morning that perhaps by writing this post I am going to stir up controversies. I don’t intend to but please bear with me. AND trigger warning this contains frank discussion of mental illness, bullying, eating disorders and suicide.
But alas that was just the preamble- so sit tight…
DECEMBER 1st, 2021
The other day someone said to me I didn’t “seem like I was particularly ‘Autistic’”. The implication in the conversation seemed to be that first I wasn’t classified as “Severely Autistic” and moreover, by stating that I could “Pass For Normal” it was somehow a compliment to me… the implied (but unstated and perhaps unrealised assumption) of this comment being that being Autistic, living with ADHD or otherwise being neurodivergent is a bad thing!
Another comment which I’ve received more than once is that I must not have very “severe” Autism because I speak articulately, make eye contact (some of the time), run a small business and have a confident, outgoing personality. But-the people making these assumptions have never seen me have a meltdown or experience sensory overload. They’ve never seen me struggle with executive function. They do not understand that I have a very limited short term memory capacity.
Many people do not know that I have experienced a myriad of bullying and/or micro aggressions throughout my life because of my neurodivergence. That I was passed over or excluded from educational and employment opportunities because I was “different” (even if for years I didn’t know myself how or why?!).
By looking at me now you cannot not know what was once the depths of my anxiety, or of the Anorexia Nervosa and unrelenting depression that stole years of sanity and salience from me. You cannot know by looking that I am also medically disabled.
Many people did not witness my spiral into intermittent psychosis, or PTSD, or know of my despair so deep that it led me to a very serious attempted suicide in 2019; as the world had become a loud, painful, debilitating place for both my body and brain to inhabit! These things happened BECAUSE I am Autistic. I live with ADHD, I have (both past and presently) experienced different mental health challenges and I have multiple physical disabilities too. In fact the common thread is that nearly ALL my disabilities are not visible just by looking at me.
But, there is a another assumption that I have encountered from others… and that is that given the opportunity I would choose to be something other than neurodivergent!
To put it mildly this assumption is wrong and even offensive! I don’t HAVE AUTISM- as though it can be separated from who I intrinsically am as a person- I am AUTISTIC and this is NOT something I would choose to change- period.
Do I wish that the world was a little kinder to those of us who like a square peg don’t fit into the round holes that society has deemed competent, capable and ‘normal’ (whatever than means)? Sure! Because at times living with a brain that does not function like the majority means that the world of bright lights, loud noises, social rules and cognitive expectations I cannot meet is a difficult place to live. As I have already demonstrated it can even be extremely mentally debilitating… but that does not mean I would take back or change my life experiences.
There is a saying in the Autistic community that “if you know one autistic person… you know ONE Autistic person!”. That’s it!
I do not, cannot and will not claim to speak for every Autistic or otherwise disabled person. I can only share from my own lived experiences and talk about what is challenging for me… which is different to the challenges that someone else who is also Autistic might experience!
But please let me set the record straight. Do not feel that you have the right to define the SEVERITY of my disability based on the small glimpses you see of a much bigger picture. Do not assume that taking away my disability would be a positive thing! And Do not think that to imply Autism’s absence from your view (due to my own ability to socially mask) is somehow a compliment! You simply cannot make any of these assumptions without walking a day in my shoes!
Finally though, let’s redefine neurodivergence (especially relating to Autism and/or ADHD) as a concept. To imply disability is to assume something is absent or missing from the picture. But those of us who are neurodivergent are not a problem to be fixed or puzzle to be solved. We are individuals with distinct personalities and STRENGTHS despite the fact that we all sometimes struggle to function and are disabled by a world that is not designed for our divergent minds.
Not in spite of, but because of, my ‘dis’abilty…I am confident, empowered and strong minded. I am detail oriented. I can think laterally and I am highly analytical. I am very creative and artistic. I am articulate. In short, I have talents and skill sets that define my contentment, career and my passions in life in positive ways. I am a natural storyteller and have a passion for empowering others through the use of all these skills. And furthermore, if you’ve ever seen me set my mind to something (or hyperfocus) I can be a force to be reckoned with!
Friday December 3rd, 2021 is “International Day of People with Disability”. Please can we stop trying to erase the wonderful divergences and diversity that exist, in this intersectional community that is the ‘disabled’ population, and instead choose to celebrate that which is abundant and positive… instead of judging that which is difference to ‘the norm’?!
This divergent world that I and so many others inhabit is a beautiful place. I encounter regularly through my work and daily life other people who are neurodivergent… and I am yet to encounter even one person who isn’t amazing DESPITE the fact that society defines them by what is absent (by notice of deficits) rather than by the exceptionality of their presence in the world!
